Infertility Awareness during the Holidays
By Nici Shipway
As an intake worker for intended parents, I hear many stories from those struggling with infertility about facing judgement from family/friends and self-criticism. While the holidays are a joyous time for many, it's often a reminder to these individuals about their childless reality. Though many of our families mean well, being asked when you will have a baby often adds to this disappointment. 1 in 4 couples struggle with infertility and becoming parents for single individuals or same-sex couples is a journey with many bumps in the road. Often these people stress about holiday gatherings because they know these conversations will arise.
We've come up with a few ways you can be inclusive without unknowingly hurting your family members this holiday season. Here are 8 ways to have better infertility awareness during the holidays:
1. DO NOT ask your family members when they plan to start their family. Their family started when they decided to commit themselves to one another. Suggesting they are not a family without children can be hurtful. They may have been trying for years and had many losses. Reminding them of this at a family gathering can be very triggering.
2. DO NOT ask your family members if they are pregnant, even if you feel certain that they are. Perhaps they just had a loss, gained a bit of weight, are on fertility medications, etc. If they are pregnant and want you to know, they will tell you.
3. If the subject of having children comes up and someone says that they don't want to talk about it or “it's none of anyone's business”, don't be offended. This is a highly sensitive topic for those struggling with infertility and can bring forth many emotions.
4. Don't give advice on how to get pregnant. The number one thing people tend to suggest is, "just relax". This is incredibly frustrating advice for those who struggle with infertility. Infertility has many root causes which may require many different types of therapy in order to conceive. Each families path to pregnancy is between them and their health care professionals.
5. Don't joke about how they are "lucky" they don't have kids, due to the everyday struggles of being a parent.
6. If you are aware of a family members fertility journey and are going to announce your own pregnancy, perhaps let them know gently before making a big announcement to everyone.
7. Don't stop talking about your own children. While this is a hard time for those struggling to build a family, it does not change how much they care for your children.
8. Be a safe space. If one of your family members tells you about their struggles, be an active listener. Ask them how they feel, ask them how you can help. Most of the time they just want someone to listen and to release the thoughts and emotions they are holding in.
There are still many great conversations that can be shared with loved ones this holiday season. Instead of discussion family building, try focusing on other areas. Here is a list of 10 great conversation starters:
Do you have any vacations or travel coming up?
What are you doing with your free time?
Tell me about your work/school?
What in life is bringing you joy?
What in your life has been challenging lately?
Have you watched any new shows lately that you’d recommend?
What is your favorite place you've ever visited and why?
What was the last movie you saw in the theatre? Did you enjoy it?
What is the best and hardest part about work/school?
What is inspiring you lately?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. The first step to understanding infertility is to be aware that it affects so many. Please feel free to share this if you feel inclined to do so. Sharing is caring. Happy holidays from everyone at JA Surrogacy Consulting.