Being a Surrogate for an HIV+ Intended Parent
Written Anonymously
Over the course of this journey, advocating for those who live with HIV has become a cause very close to my heart. I’m extremely proud to be a surrogate, but I’m especially proud that technology has allowed me to do it for someone who once thought it was impossible.
Soon after I had first connected with my prospective intended parents, I was given the opportunity to speak at a local AIDS vigil. I had a lot of knowledge on the subject after having done a significant amount of research, and learning from friends who were HIV+. There I would share about surrogacy and the advances made that allow HIV+ men to become fathers, with either their female partner or through surrogacy.
I excitedly told one of my prospective intended fathers about this opportunity, but my excitement was met with hesitation.
“Are surrogates, in general, okay with working with HIV+ intended parents?” he asked. So many thoughts ran through my mind; how do I answer that? Do I say I would? I told him yes, in some cases. On behalf of myself, I would be ok with it because I know the research has shown it to be a safe procedure. So safe that not a single person has contracted HIV from an IVF procedure since they began doing this in 1992.
A few weeks later, when we began to seriously discuss working together, I found out that one of them was HIV+ as well. I’ll never forget the shock of that moment. Mostly my heart went out to him, knowing how intimidating it must’ve been, looking for a surrogate and worrying about her reaction. Months later he told me he’d been so relieved that I was supportive and educated about it.
It was a non-issue for me. From my research, I’d learned that as medications and treatments improved, HIV became something you live with rather than die from. These days, technology is focused not just on treating the virus but on stopping it’s spread and improving quality of life for those afflicted. The availability of drugs, such as PreP (or Truvada), prevent HIV- individuals from contracting the virus. In addition, the HPTN 052 study, the Partner study, the Partner 2 study, the Swiss Statement, and several other studies all indicate one incredible conclusion - if someone who is HIV+ is on effective antiretroviral therapy and the level of virus in their blood had reached undetectable levels, they are unable to transmit the virus to sexual partners. This led to the U=U campaign, Undetectable = Untransmittable.
Being confident in today’s medical advances, I did not feel I had to be concerned about the possibility of contracting HIV through gestational surrogacy. Especially with all the extra clinical procedures that are in place for this process. The standard procedure of the clinic which my intended fathers had chosen, was to treat them both like they were HIV+ for the purpose of creating embryos. The clinic took the extra step of quarantining their sperm for 6 months while doing follow-up bloodwork to ensure my IF remained undetectable, but this extra step isn’t necessary at other clinics.
Any surrogate entering a contract with any intended parent would be made aware of their HIV status, be it positive or negative. I would recommend any surrogate considering a journey with an HIV+ IP to have a conversation with the RE/doctor regarding that clinic’s processes so you can feel confident that the procedure is safe. Knowing all the facts helped me to feel fully secure in my decision.
I learned that when the sperm provider is HIV+, clinics will do sperm washing to separate the seminal fluid (which actually contains the virus) from the sperm cells (which do not). Then they create embryos using a process called Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, or ICSI, in which a single sperm cell is injected into an egg, thus avoiding the introduction of any residual seminal fluid. For a surrogate, there are no additional steps required outside of the usual process. I remain HIV- several months into our journey and I’m far from the only surrogate to work with HIV+ parents. Another surrogate I know shared with me a similar story:
“Growing up I always knew that my purpose in life was to be a mother. When that dream finally came true, I felt an overwhelming amount of joy come over me. I could not imagine being unable to experience this feeling because of who I love or a having an HIV+ status. Being a surrogate has always been another dream of mine and shortly after my daughter was born, I began to look into the process. Working with a same-sex couple has always been important to me. I have continued to be highly involved in the LGBTQ+ community in my life and I know that some people in our society sadly still discriminate against them.
I found an amazing agency to work with and was presented with a profile of a same-sex couple. I quickly fell in love with their story and how they found each other. I then had a phone call with a worker from the agency who would put us in contact with one another. However, she said she had some information to share with me before we moved forward with making the initial contact. My heart sunk, I worried that maybe there was something wrong with me or my profile. She then shared with me that one of them was HIV+. I was unsure of what that meant about the process going forward. She encouraged me to do some research on the topic and put me in touch with a fellow surrogate that was currently carrying for an HIV+ intended parent.
As I began researching the topic, I quickly learned that there was essentially zero risk to me being a surrogate for this amazing couple. We had our first Skype call and there was an instant connection. The fact that one of them was battling an illness fell to the back of my mind and we began building an amazing relationship. They have truly become apart of my family. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to go on this journey with them thanks to the leaps in medicine and the amazing care the fertility clinics provide.”
- Anonymous Surrogate
I feel just as safe working with an HIV+ intended father as I would on any other journey. I believe in the U=U campaign, and that the technology involved in embryo creation is done simply for extra assurance. The odds of contracting HIV from an embryo are, for all intents and purposes, zero. There’s never been a recorded case of transmission. The odds, if they exist, are infinitesimal. That’s not to say I would judge those who aren’t comfortable with the notion. When it comes to surrogacy, it is so important to find someone you’re comfortable with on every level.
Personally, I’m proud that the opportunity to help those afflicted is there. When I was a kid, AIDS was the scariest thing in the world. We’ve overcome many hurdles since then. And I know that anybody who’s ever met my intended father or seen him interact with kids would say, ‘This guy was meant to be a dad.’ And now he can be.