Welcome to Surrogacy: A Family Journey
Photograph by Carter Embree Photography
by Melanie Melanson
The greatest joy in my life is my children. Watching them grow into unique individuals with their own thoughts, dreams and identities is a gift I cherish every day. It is something I do not take for granted as I have watched friends and family struggle with infertility. Seeing their heartache and defeat has been soul wrenching, but as painful as the lows were, nothing compared to the magical moment when their dream finally came true, and they held their own wee one in their arms. It is what made me want to become a surrogate.
The actual idea of surrogacy had been lurking in the back of my mind for a while when I stumbled across a social media post about the experience of a surrogate. I had always thought that maybe someday I could help someone who struggled with conception, so this seemed like a sign. I wanted to know more so I reached out to her, and she put me in touch with JA Surrogacy. The agency walked me through the process, patiently answering questions and clarifying concerns.
Equipped with this knowledge, I then approached my husband with the idea. He was hesitant at first, worried about the impact on me, as well as on our children. I knew I had to give him time to come around to it on his own, just as I had done. When he was ready, we spent time discussing the process, the before, during and after scenarios, and what our lives would look like by going ahead with it. Once we knew we were in the same place, it was time to get our children’s input.
My oldest daughter (who was 8 at the time) instantly started to cry and said no right away. I was sad and confused by her reaction, but knew we had to respect it. Once she felt assured her voice was heard, she opened up to share that she could not live through the 9 months I would have to be gone to have the baby. Talk about instant relief! Just a simple misunderstanding, and once we explained that I was not going anywhere and would be home the entire time, her reaction changed to one of excitement. Lots of questions tumbled out, one after the other, and her innocent inquiry of how I would go 9 months without a glass of wine had us laughing. She sure knows her mama!
Once we had our family decision (and it was so important it was a family decision as this must be from an “us” perspective, not a “me” perspective as it is something that impacts each of us in unique ways), we decided to share our plans with close family and friends. We were nervous of what reaction we may get, but were given unconditional support from the start.
We then contacted our agency of choice, JA Surrogacy, to begin the process of looking at profiles. We found a family that we all agreed felt like a good fit, but then this family did not choose us. It was so disappointing, but I quickly realized that it was not the journey we were meant to take. After taking a little break to get our bearings, we continued with our search and the agency reached out to show us a new profile. As we read through it, we instantly knew it was the perfect family, the one we were meant to help. These things have a way of working out with a little patience, and I’m so glad we didn’t allow an initial disappointment to get in the way of what we wanted to do.
Once we connected with the intended parents by video chat, any lingering doubts disappeared. They are funny, caring, appreciative, and honest. We felt comfortable with each other, and communication came naturally and easily. It meant it was time for the next step – THE BIG STEP.
Photograph by Carter Embree Photography
Contracts were completed and quickly signed and since COVID rules had loosened enough for me to be able to travel, we got our screening done right away. Then it was Transfer Day. I, along with the intended mother, watched on the screen as they transferred the embryo. It was such an extraordinary moment, sharing this experience and feeling the hope vibrate throughout the room. This had the possibility of being the beginning, the moment when all our lives would change to become fuller and richer, all because one tiny blip on a monitor may begin to grow.
We were fortunate to get an early positive pregnancy test, confirmed by bloodwork and ultrasound results. Unfortunately, not every story unfolds as smoothly as ours, but JA Surrogacy is so supportive, no matter how long your journey might be. They help you face any obstacle and give you the encouragement to keep trying, to remember the true magnitude of what you are doing, and help you hang on to hope.
And now? Now, I am 34 weeks pregnant with a sweet baby boy. I realize just how lucky we have been, and how fortunate we were to have this happen on the first transfer. I acknowledge and admire the surrogates who go through the process multiple times before becoming pregnant; it shows great courage and compassion to keep trying. One thing I can say, it is oh so worth it!
Looking back, I would have to say this experience has been filled with life lessons for my family. My husband, who was so worried at the start, has been my rock throughout this process. He has been there for me in ways I did not even imagine needing him to be. He has been so thoughtful, reminding me to slow down and rest, taking on extra responsibilities with the children and our home, all while showing true excitement over my growing belly. It has given a new depth and breadth to our relationship.
As for our children, they have followed his example, stepping into help without even realizing they are. They have embraced this reality, talking to the baby, asking all kinds of questions about his development and what’s going on in there. Through this process, my children have witnessed the beauty of giving selflessly, that people who are strangers can become lifelong friends and that sometimes helping can hurt a little, but heal even more. I hope they carry these values with them always.
As we begin to prepare for the birth, I have nothing but gratitude towards my body for allowing me to do this. This amazing family wants, desires, and deserves this little addition so much and I cannot wait to finally see them hold him in their arms. Knowing I have had a part to play in this moment in their lives, brings such pleasure and peace.
Which is why, whenever I am asked “How will you ever give this baby away?”, the answer is so simple in my mind. This little boy was never ‘mine’ to begin with. He has been created out of love, the love of his parents who have done everything possible to have him, and the love of my family who chose to help his parents bring him home.
If you are wondering if this has been worth it? YES! A thousand times yes! Every day his parents ask how he is doing, how I am doing. They care about every minute of nausea, backache, and worry about what I am going through on their behalf. They see my concern about doing enough, being enough, so this little man gets his very best possible start, and they reassure me. They are so invested, so enthusiastic, so overjoyed by this miracle, it makes something that seems like it should be extremely difficult much easier. None of us take what has happened for granted. This isn’t something anyone goes through alone; it is a group effort. I may shed a tear when I see him in their arms and they turn away to take him home; not because I regret being a surrogate, but because I will know we did it, we are watching a dream come true, and we had a hand in it. I will look at my family and know that we shared this time with him, so he gets to share forever with his family. What better feeling could there be?
If you are thinking about being a surrogate, you are already on your way to a miracle. You can do it, just trust yourself and know you are enough. ❤
