An International Gay Couples Path to Parenthood
Building a family as an international same-sex couple can be a long and challenging process to navigate. This path to parenthood is not spoken of often, leaving many unaware of the extensive steps involved. Through this blog, intended fathers Cedric and Nicolas aim to shed light on the struggles and triumphs experienced during their journey into the world of surrogacy.
Whether you are looking to explore the idea of starting a family through surrogacy or are simply curious about what that journey looks like, this blog offers great insights into the various aspects of family-building for international gay couples.
By Cedric and Nicolas
My spouse and I met via an internet dating site in 2014. We immediately enjoyed each other so much that at the end of 2015 we decided to live together.
In 2017, as the French presidential elections were approaching and the extreme right recorded probabilities of moving into the second round of elections by potentially sweeping away with it all acquired rights. We decided to cross the milestone of marriage and went to the town hall to seal our union in May 2017.
During this period we had already started talking about fatherhood.
In 2018, we decided to embark on the path of adoption, which was not pleasant. Despite obtaining approval, no potential adoptions were presented to us after 4 years. We had a lot of resentment and were left with a feeling of injustice and misunderstanding.
However, these negative feelings allowed us to bounce back and actively inform ourselves about surrogacy. We threw ourselves into internet searches and discovered that only a few countries carried out this kind of family-building. We chose Canada because of its anteriority on the subject and the legal framework that accompanies the procedure. Other countries had newly joined the surrogacy industry and charged lesser rates (Colombia, Mexico etc.) but the lack of information in these countries did not leave us feeling reassured of their processes.
Our research revealed a large amount of information for us to ingest on the subject of surrogacy: IVF clinics, egg donor agencies, surrogacy agencies, fertility lawyers, newborn insurance etc. After extensive research, we selected our top choices and started once again on our path to parenthood.
In September 2021, we went to Toronto to leave our sperm at the Repromed clinic and began our search for an egg donor on our chosen agency's website. Once our criteria were registered, the first donor was presented to us. However, after investing financially to have the first health screening carried out at our clinic, a potentially transmissible disease was detected that could impact our future baby. We were back to square one on our search.
Our next two donors, who had initially signed a commitment with us, suddenly went silent. All these shortcomings, unexplained by our agency, caused significant delays and left us feeling frustrated. It was only after our fourth donor came through that our journey could finally begin!
The first milestone of this journey was reached once the egg retrieval was completed.
What a surprise when we discovered that the number of eggs collected was more than 25!! A choice among these oocytes was operated by the clinic as not all were of good quality. Despite this, 18 were selected for fertilization and 8 of those embryos were isolated as being of optimum quality.
During this entire procedure with the clinic and the egg donor agency, we had been in contact with JA Surrogacy to begin our search for a surrogate. We had chosen this agency on recommendation and were particularly attached to its founder's extensive experience as a surrogate herself. The whole process was well presented to us and the various conversations had via email and video chat were always full of understanding, and helpful insight.
You should know that it is not you who chooses the surrogate mother but her who chooses you. A profile including our background, our expectations, our values, and our life in photos, video, and written format is presented to potential surrogates, so they can make an informed decision on who they want to take this journey with.
Anecdote: during the preparation of our profile we felt very anxious, especially for the recording of our profile video. We feared this moment, unsure if our level of English was up to the task. We didn’t want to lose spontaneity on camera by searching for words or stumbling.
Before even completing our profile video, Andrea (our future surrogate mother) was connected with us. It brought us immense joy and relief that our story resonated with her. It was another milestone in our journey and the beginning of a new chapter.
Even before Andrea began the medical screening aspect, we carried out many video calls and created a WhatsApp group to get to know each other better and create a strong link. The reasons put forward by Andrea for her commitment to this process had us in awe. We discovered a sparkling and very determined young woman, who had sincerely reflected on her choice to become a surrogate and why.
Our various video calls always went well and a member of Andrea's family who spoke French was available to support us in our communication. The dedication of Andrea’s family to this journey was such a positive aspect, particularly because this would be her very first pregnancy – an uncommon practice in Canadian surrogacy which only recently became possible.
Once the psychological and medical screenings were complete, Andrea began medical proceedings for the embryo transfer using pills and injections prescribed by the clinic to create the best chance for embryo implantation.
Our IVF transfer took place in February of 2023 and we were incredibly fortunate that it took on the first attempt!! Our dream was becoming more and more real.
Throughout the pregnancy, our bond with Andrea was strengthened, which allowed us to address less pleasant topics on the different scenarios that could arise: disability detected during pregnancy, pregnancy termination, death of one of the parties, miscarriage... Our Support Worker at JA Surrogacy had clearly and rightly asked us to discuss these painful topics together with Andrea and to be mindful of the potential outcomes.
The entire pregnancy went well despite the discovery towards the end of the process that it was a previa pregnancy (placenta which is located in the lower half of the uterus and therefore covers the opening of the cervix). Andrea had the option to give birth via a cesarean section if the placenta did not return to its normal position, or childbirth if all the conditions were met. The due date was set for November 12, 2023.
During the third month of pregnancy, we learned with joy that our baby was going to be a little boy. Our baby names for males or females had been chosen for over two years, but we kept them as a surprise for our loved ones.
It was about this time that we went in search of housing in Canada and a rental vehicle to use when our due date neared. We do not yet understand why, we must have heard it somewhere, but we had remained fixed on a three-month stay in Canada before we could go home with all the papers in order. This length of stay of course played a great role in our initial financial planning.
On September 28, 2023, we were starting the evening in front of the TV on our sofa, when we received a video call from Andrea. She was in the hospital and told us that her water had broken. We were only 35 weeks pregnant!
It was three weeks before we’d been set to arrive in Canada but fate decided otherwise. Immediately after finishing our conversation with Andrea, we attempted to move up our flights. We were told there were no available flights and our only option was to wait at the airport and hope two seats would open up.
We arrived in Canada on October 3 at midnight. Unfortunately, our luggage remained at the previous stopover. Knowing that the birth could occur at any moment, we resigned ourselves, declared our luggage lost, headed to our hotel and waited to hear from Andrea.
Later that morning, we went to her bedside at the hospital. Upon entering her room, Andrea was smiley and full of joy and we threw our arms around one another. What a special moment it was to meet her in person for the very first time.
We were quickly received by a medical professional. He outlined the goals of keeping our son safe in Andrea’s womb for as long as possible to avoid any complications associated with premature birth. Therefore, Andrea had to remain hospitalized under examination. Every day monitoring was carried out to check on the health of the baby.
We met with Andrea's doula, who taught us the best ways to support Andrea during labour. She was open to our hopes for the birth experience regarding skin-to-skin and umbilical cord cutting. This helped ease our minds more about the birthing experience, what to expect, and what we could do to support our surrogate.
Andrea also introduced us to her family, great people of absolute kindness, who welcomed us in as their own extended family. What a joy to find in a foreign country – people who support you like the relatives you couldn’t bring with you. Even the owners of the Airbnb we resided in were friendly and excited about our child’s arrival.
To us, Canada will forever be in our minds as a country where even those who don’t know you, show great kindness.
Once the medical staff felt Andrea’s condition had improved, she was able to go out for a few hours a day. We had the opportunity to spend some time together on short outings. It was good for Andrea to be out of her hospital room, but it also incited some stress as moving too much would cause Andrea to experience bleeding.
Andrea remained hospitalized for 3 weeks and when the 37th week of pregnancy arrived, leaving behind the danger of prematurity, the obstetrician said we were ready to choose a date for our cesarean section. After three weeks without amniotic fluid, the risks of infection for the baby were greater, but the idea of a cesarean was not an option that Andrea wanted to choose.
The refusal of a cesarean gave us pause. We did not want to put our baby or Andrea at risk. Together, with Andrea, we spoke with her medical team who felt it was safe for her to attempt a natural birth. Her doctor said: "She's the boss, it's her body, it's she who decides.”
It was important to Andrea that she fully experience natural childbirth, without it being altered by medications. Andrea's doula had prepared her for this, advising her on breathing exercises and relaxation techniques.
On October 22 at 3 a.m. we received a message from Andrea that told us very simply: "Boys, come when you can, it seems that the process has begun...". At that time, as we came out of our deep sleep, it took a minute to register what was happening, but once the information was absorbed we activated at high speed and headed to the hospital!
When we arrived in the room we found Andrea at the very beginning of her labour. It was a moment suspended in time. The first minutes were a little scary but also exciting. A mixture of modesty, fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, but also a desire to help Andrea who was experiencing serious pain. Remembering all the advice learnt from the doula, we began putting what we were taught into action; massage, breathing exercises and utilizing the bathtub in the room to relieve pain and promote childbirth. Andrea was offered the administration of pain-relieving medication but she refused and persisted on her with her plan for a natural birth.
The birth went very well and we proudly welcomed our son, Elio into the world.
Afterwards, we spoke of Andrea and how she advocated for herself and her birth experience. We will always remember the strength and determination she displayed that day.
The post-delivery gave rise to a funny scene, while Andrea was still on the delivery table with the obstetrician assisting her, a nurse arrived with a pizza. She gave it right to Andrea who immediately hurried to eat it. At first, we were surprised, but what could be more normal than regaining strength after such an incredible effort?
During our stay at the maternity ward, several nurses came to visit us and examine Elio. Several tips on feeding, swaddling, burping etc. were provided. As new parents, we were shocked by the burping demonstration at first and the hard pats given captivated us.
Once out of the maternity ward, home nurses came every 3 days for a week to examine Elio, especially following the onset of jaundice. When you find yourself alone with your new baby in a country you do not know, trying to understand a language you do not speak well, having these visits is incredibly reassuring.
Following his birth, when Elio’s jaundice was at its peak and his feedings were not going well, a crying attack began. Despite our attempts to soothe him, the tears did not pass and turned into screams. Under stress, we went to the hospital emergency room and Elio was examined immediately.
Looking back on this scary moment with our new little one, we know that we needed to be more attentive and seek help sooner when he wasn’t feeding as well.
Nevertheless, amidst all the excitement we could not forget the administrative and legal part of our journey. The law firm we had chosen helped us well in all these steps: how to complete the application for civil status at the maternity hospital, how to complete the passport application, the drafting of legal documents for the court etc.
We obtained Elio's passport in 10 days which allowed us to advance our return home. Finding a plane ticket just before Christmas was not an easy task but, we were eager to introduce Elio to our families.
On the other hand, leaving Canada and the people who had become a second family to us, was difficult. We sincerely believe that our strong connection with them will remain throughout our lives. And soon, we plan to have Andrea visit us in Europe, where we can introduce her further into our lives, and show her the home where Elio will spend his childhood.
All the people we encountered during our time in Canada have been so kind to us and to Elio.
That two dads can walk in the company of their child and be congratulated by passers-by instead of being met with shock or disapproval, is nothing short of amazing to us.
We were blessed by the open-mindedness of this country.
We hope one day that Europe will be inspired by Canada’s spirit of openness. To see that surrogacy is not the commodification of a woman's body. It is above all an unwavering link that is created between a group of people happy to help one another.