Miscarriage and Surrogacy
By Jessica Jamieson
Can we talk about the shitty parts of surrogacy for a moment? The parts where we feel like a failure when the transfers fail. The parts where we grieve the loss of a baby that was not ours. Or how about the uncomfortable silence while our friends and family try to support us through something they don't understand. Surrogacy sucks sometimes.
I remember walking in to my 12-week ultrasound, daydreaming of creative ways I could send the ultrasound photo to my intended parents. I remember the pants I was wearing to accommodate the bloating and the sore spots from all of the injections. I was so happy walking into the clinic that day. Despite the discomforts, this pregnancy was supposed to be perfect.
I also remember the stillness of their little baby on a big screen in front of me. At first it didn't sink in. I just stared at the screen quietly as my mind raced with 100 bits of nothing. I think I had a new tech, because she struggled to keep her emotions in long enough for someone to come in and explain that the baby had passed away.
The thing about losing a surrogate baby, is that we don't know how we are supposed to feel. It is not our baby, but it is our loss too. The weight of this grief is heavy, but also difficult to wrap our heads around.
How do you tell the parents? How do you tell your children, and your cheerleaders, and what will the naysayers say about this? The weight is on us to decide how to share the news. This moment felt crippling. I thank God that I had a friend to call. A friend that would carry the weight with me. She waited by her phone until I was ready. As a surrogate herself, she understood what I was feeling, and she was my rock.
Talking to my intended parents was heartbreaking. We sat on the phone and cried. They reminded me that they loved me, and that it wasn't my fault. Honestly these words are what held me together as I walked through the next few weeks of the miscarriage.
Vulnerability can create connections. It can strengthen our bonds and deepen our understanding of each other. We didn’t realize it in that moment, but the loss of this baby would make us an unstoppable team.
After several failed attempts, each with their own joys and pains, we finally became pregnant in January 2020. As so many of you understand, pregnancy after a loss can be filled with many new fears and emotions. We were never fully convinced that everything would be ok, but we chose to soak up every ounce of joy in the milestones.
Their little boy was born full of perfection. The first breath was as magical as I’d heard other surrogates describe. I cried happy tears even though I said I wouldn't. My heart became a bowl of jello and I finally understood why surrogates always post sappy pictures and fill their posts with crying emojis after giving birth. Every ounce of difficulty in this journey was worth it.
I still remember looking at the ultrasound screen, walking through the waiting room, exploding with tears and all of the moments of our loss. I still remember the sound of my friend’s voice as she tried to hold herself together for me. Nevertheless, when I look back at these moments now, they are a reminder of the strength and the love it took to grow this family. This little boy was wanted so badly that he was fought for. His story is beautiful.
As a Surrogate Support Worker, I always tell my girls that these difficult moments will soon become part of their story. I usually begin to well up with tears, because these are not just words for me. It is so important to remember: you are strong enough to grow a baby for someone and you are strong enough to keep going when shit gets real.
So here is your reminder. Surrogacy is the most incredible adventure. It also sucks sometimes. This does not mean that you suck, so keep being your amazing self. Be brave, keep going, surround yourself with people who understand your tears and celebrate your milestones. Let your story unfold however it may, and let this be a reminder that your messy story is beautiful.
Jessica Jamieson is the Surrogacy Support and Intake Manager at JA Surrogacy Consulting. Prior to coming to JA, Jessica worked as a birth doula and a care giver for foster children and children with special needs. Beyond supporting JA surrogates through the process, she has also completed her own surrogacy journey with two intended fathers. Learn more about Jessica by visiting the Our Team page on our website.