Surrogacy in Canada: 5 things I Wish I Knew in the Beginning
Photography by Erin Ruhland Photography
Becoming a surrogate is a very exciting time and being prepared makes all the difference. The majority of surrogates complete their journey feeling assured that this experience was profound and worth it, even if things didn’t necessarily go as planned. Despite this, there are a few aspects to a surrogacy journey that some surrogates wish they would’ve been better prepared for.
Pregnancy Loss and Failed Transfers are common
There are many journeys that are successful right from the first transfer. Though it is important to celebrate those successes, it is also important that we talk about, and truly understand, how common failed transfers and pregnancy losses can be in a surrogacy journey.
“I have completed four transfers, none of which have resulted in a pregnancy. When I first became a surrogate I truly expected to get pregnant after the first or second transfer. I am young and have never had issues conceiving.
It can be easy to get discouraged and no one should feel they need to continue should the emotional or physical toll become too much. I personally felt more determined but admittedly did need a break before trying again. After a year off, I am excited to begin again with the same intended mother. This time around, I feel better prepared to handle transfers that may potentially fail.
Despite never experiencing a miscarriage previously, I am more aware now that even if I become pregnant, it could end in a loss. My journey so far has made me realize that nothing is out of the realm of possibility. What is most important, to me at least, is the community I am surrounded by – both of other surrogates and of friends and family – as well as my drive to help my intended mother become a mother.”
- Barbara, Surrogate
2. Relationships between Surrogates and Intended Parents can be challenging
Photograph by Oana Bella Photography
Developing positive and healthy relationships is always an important goal when it comes to a surrogacy journey. After all, it is a big part of what makes these journeys so special!
Ensuring the values of the surrogate and the intended parents align is a key factor in our matching process. Following the altruistic Canadian model, we aim to verify that both surrogates and intended parents intend to have lasting relationships so neither party feels exposed or taken advantage of. The intake process is guided by many questions about immediate and future intentions by both parties.
The majority of surrogate and IP relationships are excellent. Throughout the 'getting to know you' stage, 'screening' stage, 'legal' stage then subsequent 'transfer' stage, both parties tend to find a way to communicate that feels natural and comfortable. This helps the relationship grow. Placing trust, respect, compassion, empathy, understanding, and love both ways is very important.
In some cases, however, the Surrogate and IP relationship may face challenges for a variety of reasons, either directly related to the journey or by external extenuating circumstances. This can cause a strain on everyone involved as every person handles stress or situations in different ways. Although values initially seemed aligned, we sometimes learn that our 'matches' are fundamentally different people than we had originally thought. This can be tough on everyone involved.
Surrogate/IP relationships should always be based on mutual trust and respect. Aiming to have a successful and positive journey is always the goal.
“Surrogate and IP relationships can be tough. There is a lot of give and take on both ends. Sometimes you have to reflect and recognize that each side is opening up a vulnerable piece of their hearts and lives - and everyone has the same end goal."
- Anonymous Surrogate
3. There are always risks with pregnancy
Research reflects that a surrogate pregnancy carries the same amount of risk as any personal pregnancy. Although this implies there is no additional risk to surrogates, it is important to also recognize its implication that pregnancy can carry risk either way.
Before beginning a journey, a surrogate will receive independent legal representation covered by their intended parents. We work with some of the best surrogacy lawyers in Canada and also review contracts for our surrogates pre-signing to ensure they are covered for any risk possible.
“Go into your contract stage assuming that the worst things that could happen, are a possibility. This mindset will help ensure you and your family are 100% covered. Bedrest, loss of life, loss of organs, and permanent disability became possibilities for me – all of which I once assumed could never be my reality.
Looking back, I don’t believe I thought long or hard enough about what the outcome of those situations could have been. Values for extenuating circumstances and insurance should not be considered lightly.”
- Danica, Surrogate
4. Everyone reacts differently to medications
There are a couple common medications, such as Estradiol and Progesterone, that are prescribed to surrogates by IVF Clinics. Medication protocols and treatment protocols differ based on the surrogate, which clinic they are working with, and the doctor that is looking after their care.
Not everyone’s body will handle these medications in the same way. Surrogates have described some undesirable side effects associated with the medications prescribed such as; weight gain, migraines, bloating, and nausea that closely resembles morning sickness even if they are not yet pregnant.
Always remember that you have full autonomy over your body. It is okay to question what is being asked of you and what the medications possible side effects might be. Talk with your nurse/doctor about what your options are and which would be the best treatment plan for you.
5. Use your community
One of the most amazing aspects of being a surrogate in Canada is the community. There are a number of online surrogate groups, some that are specific to which agency you are working with, some for independent surrogates, and some groups that are open to everyone!
As is true for any large community, there are always people and groups that we won’t mesh well with. Luckily here in Canada there are so many surrogates and supporters to connect with that the likelihood of finding “your people” is pretty high.
At JA Surrogacy Canada, we are proud to be part of a village of incredible surrogates who exist in an environment of trust, respect, and compassion. Our online group is a safe place for surrogates to ask questions, celebrate one another, and show up in loving support of each other. Being a surrogate is a unique experience, and having others to share it with that can truly understand what you are going through is significant.
“I wish I’d known how many amazingly supportive people are part of the surrogacy community. Not being really connected to other surrogates and advocates made my first journey more isolating than I expected. Forging supportive relationships within the community made my subsequent journeys more gratifying.”
- Jennifer, Surrogate
