How Surrogates Choose Their Intended Parents
Choosing the right intended parents (IPs) is a big decision for surrogates, one that involves careful consideration of various factors to ensure a positive and fulfilling journey. Surrogacy is a deeply personal and life-altering experience. From shared values to communication styles, surrogates must weigh many elements.
Above all, mutual respect between surrogates and intended parents forms the cornerstone of a successful surrogacy journey, fostering trust, open communication, and a harmonious relationship.
In this blog, we will delve into the key factors surrogates consider when choosing intended parents, offering insights to help both surrogates and IPs navigate this profound journey with empathy and understanding.
Clinics
Clinics in the US have more restrictions than Canadian clinics, so this part of the matching process is more dependent on meeting criteria, rather than on personal choice. However, surrogates who do qualify for both US and Canadian clinics have considerations to make regarding travel requirements for screening and transfer. Some surrogates do not want to travel to the US for these appointments. There is also a challenge when it comes to cycle monitoring and preparing for transfer when working with a US clinic. As a result, parents using US Clinics may experience longer wait times when it comes to matching.
Occasionally, some surrogates are looking to help intended parents who have waited a long time for a match. Or a surrogate may feel drawn to a particular couple/individual and be willing to go the extra mile to help them on their parenthood journey.
We discuss the options with our candidates to ensure they can make a well-informed decision.
Distance
Our agency works with intended parents from all over the world. While many surrogates are happy to help international intended parents, others prefer to form a connection closer to home. This preference goes both ways - there are Canadian IPs who would prefer to match with a surrogate in the same province or one nearby.
Choosing to match locally opens up more opportunities for in-person connection, and intended parent appointment attendance.
Most surrogates are interested in creating a friendship with their intended parents, while others aren’t quite sure what type of relationship they would like. Different personalities can factor into the type of relationship the surrogate is looking for and how that looks through the journey.
International matches can have the same closeness as a local match. Video calls can offer the opportunity to be present for appointments and scans. This relationship may be beneficial in situations where the surrogate would like some distance in the relationship or is unsure of the relationship she would like to have. Relationships for international matches exist primarily through online communication and surrogates who choose to match internationally are content with this type of relationship. It’s expected that many intended parents are not able to travel to Canada until the weeks leading up to the birth.
Our team continues to witness strong relationships develop between intended parents and their surrogates regardless of distance.
Communication style
Surrogates and intended parents may have different communication preferences. It's important to find IPs who match your communication style, whether that’s in-person visits, regular virtual visits, or occasional virtual updates. Consider what feels right for you and choose IPs comfortable with the same.
When reviewing written profiles and intended parent videos, surrogates can pick up on cues and personality traits, helping them decipher who they may connect with, and communicate with, best. When creating videos and profiles, intended parents who are transparent and themselves are more likely to get the attention of the candidate viewing their profile.
The relationship between intended parents and surrogates requires immense trust. Intended parents may experience increased anxiety during the journey, especially if they live internationally.
Letting go and fully trusting another human being with your future child can be extremely tough. This anxiety can sometimes present as overstepping.
At JA Surrogacy, we have designated support workers for each surrogate and IP who are a great resource for communication tips in situations that feel anxiety-provoking or create uneasy communication. We strive to ensure that each match is good for both sides and continues on the journey with the goal of building a family.
Relationship following birth
Our agency believes in fostering strong, supportive relationships between intended parents and surrogates through open communication and mutual understanding. What that looks like for each match and how the relationship continues post-birth is unique for each match.
Surrogates and intended parents each have the opportunity to outline in their profiles what they want their post-birth relationship with the other party to look like. Surrogates who seek a very involved and close personal relationship with their IPs, often seek for that experience to extend for many years to come. In these cases, they are presented with potential matches who are open to developing this close-knit and lasting bond.
Surrogates may develop a relationship like that of an aunt to their surrogate baby. Exchanging gifts during birthdays and holidays, and connecting in person in the years following, even if their IPs are international.
For surrogates and intended parents who matched based on a less involved communicative style, they often continue as such following birth and are equally happy to do so. Each unique connection can create a beautiful and lasting bond between the surrogate and the intended parents.
Unfortunately, there are times when the relationship between a surrogate and their IP(s) does not go as planned and the post-birth relationship doesn’t develop as expected. Predicting outcomes in any regard isn’t always possible, therefore it’s important to remain flexible. Surrogacy is a very human experience, and heightened emotions can have an impact on the relationship. It is important for both parties to feel respected and appreciated, understanding that sometimes the relationship may need to be taken day-by-day, but the goal for everyone involved always remains the same.
As a surrogate, reflect on why you choose this journey, and how it has enriched your life. Even if the post-birth relationship did not play out as hoped for, remember that your journey is still one to celebrate and take pride in, and you’ve achieved your ultimate goal- to help make a family.
Emotional connection
Generally, surrogates are drawn to their intended parents because they feel moved by their written or video profiles. Intended parents who are transparent and open about their journey to parenthood, often have an increased chance of a potential surrogate feeling a genuine connection. Surrogates often cite the potential emotional bond that could form with intended parents during the journey as a significant motivator.
There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to this aspect of matching. Feeling emotionally drawn to helping someone is an experience unique to each individual.
As the journey unfolds, the shared experiences, challenges, and triumphs can deepen the surrogate and IP connection, making the child’s arrival even more incredible and meaningful. This collaborative spirit is what commonly leads to lifelong friendships and a profound sense of fulfillment for both surrogates and intended parents, as they celebrate the miracle of bringing a new life into the world together.
It just feels right
Sometimes there is just a feeling and you know which IPs are right for you. Surrogates describe sensing that a bond will be able to form naturally with certain intended parents. Many meaningful and strong connections have been made this way. This is why our team encourages intended parents to let their personalities shine through when creating a written or video profile.
If there's one key point to take away from this blog, it's that a surrogate's choice of intended parents is always a thoughtful decision. Selecting a couple or individual does not imply any shortcomings in the other potential matches. With numerous deserving intended parents, deciding whom to carry for can be a challenging and emotional process. Ultimately, it's about the intended parent profile reaching the right surrogate to create the best match.
